been a while.

so it's been quite some time since i last posted. i hope i still remember what i'm doing...already it's proven difficult as i've tried to comment slash create this post so wish me luck. a lot has happened since i last posted. and when i say a lot i mean a lot. i honestly put off posting because so much has happened i didn't even know where to begin. most events that have occured recently haven't been the greatest. but i really am trying to be positive (most days) and look at the good things.

alright well let's get to it shall we?

number one.

on april 17, 2011 my nephew was born.

Coen Jason Smith.

because Coen was so early and so tiny

he passed away shortly before he was born.

his passing was completely unexpected.

abrupt. sudden. heartwrenching.

my heart broke that day.

he was perfect. a perfect tiny baby boy. too perfect to live on this earth.

that's what i keep telling myself and that's what gets me through.

it's not fair that people are popping out babies left and right, all around me.

and my sister and her husband who in my eyes are the most amazing parents on earth had to lose their first baby boy. i know thats not the best mind set to be in but i can't help it.

my mind just goes there.

this has definitely been the hardest thing i think my family will ever have to go through.

i know that we will see coen j again. i love him. i miss him.

my heart aches each day for my sister and brother in law and the pain they feel.

words alone cannot describe how this experience has been.

even now as i sit and type this, there is no way to express it.

appreciate what you have because it can be gone in an instant.

i know i will see coen again and i know my sister will be blessed with other children.

i love my family and i am so grateful for the love we have for each other.

we have such a nice little spot where coen j is that we can visit and take flowers to.

on labor day we put some flowers along with the ones my sister and her husband placed.

it was a beautiful day and it's so nice to visit him. coen is always in my heart.

i love you coen j. forever.

meanwhile...the countdown continues :)

i get to see my best friend in three and a half short months!

i can't even describe my feelings about that..."excited" simply does not do it justice.

but its all i can think of! i am so excited! i can't believe its almost been two years since i've seen this

human :)



               isn't he just the cutest? i love him. he is loving his mission and i am so proud of him!

it really is crazy to think that he will be home so soon. gah! can't even contain myself!

i feel as if i should share some photos of this amazing missionary. enjoy!

baptism day. one of many!

just riding a bike.

this is by far my favorite picture ever. i love it.

he loves these children.

i am so excited to start the next chapter of my life with this boy.

go ahead and say to yourself "what if it doesn't work? what if you guys don't like each other when he comes home? blah blah blah." yeah yeah i've heard it all people :)

but let me tell you. i love him more today than in the five years that i've known and loved him.

i feel we have grown so much more than i ever thought possible. both as individuals and together.

i am so grateful for this mission and the things he is learning and the ways he is growing.

i am so grateful for my time that i've been able to be by myself.

i've learned a lot. been through a lot. and grown a lot.

i wouldn't change one thing about this time that we've been apart.

but i also am like a giddy little girl when i think about him coming home in october.

:)

well i must say i'm pretty proud of myself for finally sitting down and blogging and writing and venting about a few things. feels good. i promise it won't be a million days before i post again.

loves. xoxo.